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When
God created kitty cats,
He had no recipe;
He knew He wanted something sweet,
As sweet as sweet could be.
He started out with sugar,
Adding just a trace of spice;
Then stirred in drops of morning dew,
To keep them fresh and nice
He thought cats should be soft to pet,
Thus he gave them coats of fur;
So they could show they were content,
He taught them how to purr.
He made for them long tails to wave,
While strutting down the walk;
Then trained them in meow-ology,
So they could do cat-talk.
He made them into acrobats,
And gave them grace and poise;
Their wide-eyed curiosity,
He took from little boys.
He put whiskers on their faces,
Gave them tiny ears for caps;
Then shaped their little bodies,
To snugly fit on laps.
He gave them eyes as big as saucers,
To look into man's soul;
Then set a tolerance for mankind,
As their purpose and their goal.
Benevolent ... and ... Generous,
He made so many of them;
Then charged, with fatherly concern,
The human race to love them.
When one jumped up upon His lap,
God gently stroked its head;
The cat gave Him a kitty kiss,
"What wondrous love," God said.
God gently stroked its head; The cat gave Him a kitty kiss, What
wondrous love," God said. God smiled at His accomplishment,
So pleased with His creation;
And said, with pride, as He sat back,
"At last. . .I've reached purr-fection!"
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How
to Give a CAT a pill
- Pick cat up and cradle it
in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and
cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom,
and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap,
cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish
bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain
rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and
get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill
not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's
shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber
band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage
and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle
of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve
the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie the little bastard's front
paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about
it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of Scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
- Arrange for Humane Society
to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters.
How to Give
a DOG a pill
- Wrap it in bacon.
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Hamlet's
Cat's Soliloquy
To go outside, and there perchance
to stay
Or to remain within; that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare outdoors,
And by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up,
To stand as if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain:
Aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail,
And all the daily shocks that fur is heir to,
When, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.
--Shakespaw
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What
are cats?
- Cats do what they want, when
they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not
happy.
- When you want to play they
want to be left alone.
- When you want to be alone,
they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to
their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave their hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little,
tiny women in cheap fur coats.
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Why
God created animals
A newly discovered chapter in
the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do
pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I
was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see
you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to
remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem!
I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will
love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal
to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God
was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and
he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already
named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem!
Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was
a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And
God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass
that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord,
Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a
peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem!
I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever
and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of
his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy
of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into
Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam
was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give
a hoot one way or the other.
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Cats
in physics
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetics
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of
the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position
as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the
cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter
top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for
her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable
spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the
earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you
he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
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The
Cats' Bill of Rights
1. Humans shall make no law respecting
an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise
therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful
assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime
he wants.
2. A well-carried provisional
chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims,
shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to
EAT anytime he wants.
3. The right of the feline to
be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure,
shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to
SLEEP anytime he wants.
4. Humans shall issue no warrants
or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions
or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty
and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat
is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.
5. The feline shall be immune
to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused
shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any
and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain
any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained
in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as
long as it's cute.
6. Neither serfdom, vassalage,
or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats
in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say
goes. (And I say feed me... Again.)
7. No Canis familiaris shall,
in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling
without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but
in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No
dogs in the house without my permission.
8. The right of the feline to
be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not
be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other
words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.
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Rules
for cats to live by
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to
do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand
on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it
is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside"
door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather,
rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up
on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's
bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules
for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance
of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner
so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to
doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper
being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of
the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed
for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in
order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.
6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk,
walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen
and then lay in the human's lap across arms if possible to hamper
typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something
in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the
morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't move around
too much.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out
of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between
their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find
you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking
that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably
get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face,
then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this,
so do it often. And don't forget guests.
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The
Cat
I love my mom and all that,
Then one day she brought home the cat.
Around her he purrs, he's as sweet as can be,
But when she's not in sight he just hisses at me.
I have tried to tell my mom that...
She's been fooled by this mean nasty cat.
But she scratches his ear
She refuses to hear
That he's anything less than a dear!
He lies on her lap and she tickles his tummy,
He looks over at me and he mouths the word "dummy,"
She holds him and kisses him and squeezes him tight,
While I'm nursing the scratches from our latest fight.
It's lobster, and chicken, and tuna he's fed,
He's determined that his litter box is my bed.
I've said to my mom that it's me or the cat
I'm sorry but you'll have to choose.
My mom looked at me, then my mom looked at him
and said sorry son this time you lose.
--An original poem by Michele
Cerami, Syracuse, NY
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Cat
and Mouse Heaven
This cat died and went to heaven.
St. Peter said to the cat, "You have had a difficult life
and we would like to do something nice to welcome you to heaven.
What would make you comfortable and happy now that you have arrived
in heaven?"
The cat replied, "Yes, life
was tough. I either had wood floors or concrete sidewalks to lie
on. If I could have a nice fluffy pillow on which to curl up,
I will be very happy."
St. Peter told the cat, "A
thick fluffy pillow will be given to you, and may you rest well."
Next in line to enter the pearly
gates were six mice. They had much the same conversation about
a tough life. They were telling St. Peter how they were always
being chased. They were continuously having to run and hide. They
said they would like something to help. St. Peter suggested tiny
roller skates. This made the mice very happy indeed.
After a time, St. Peter decided
he would check on the cat to see if he was happy and comfortable.
He found the cat absolutely delighted. The cat said, "The
comfort provided by the pillow couldn't be better, and the meals
on wheels were delicious!"
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Phooey
on Dogs
I think that I shall never see
A dog as he's supposed to be;
A dog who since he was a pup
Has learned when he should just shut up.
I'm tired of hearing dogs just
yap
And wake me when I take a nap.
Those boisterous creatures bark and growl,
Bay at the moon and screech and howl.
They never do a lick of work,
They run around like they're berserk.
They irritate like hordes of gnats.
I wish that dogs were more like cats.
For cats are quiet, sweet, demure
And known for being clean and pure.
But dogs are different, that's the truth
And, more than that, they're just uncouth.
--An original poem by Missy Cat
(an excerpt from Missy's
Mewspaper)
Note: Missy recently passed away unexpectedly--see site
for her memoriam
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Hayley's
Song
Beauty crafted from light,
Galaxies swirling within her coat,
Warmth of the sun reflecting in her eyes.
The music of the spheres sings in her throat.
Like a comet that lights the night,
She may glow for years to come
Or flame with a brief, consuming brightness.
But oh the joy to the one
Who captures the comet
And holds it in her hands
For even one moment in time.
--An original poem by Aileen
(Lee) Walden, Syracuse, NY |
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Politically
correct cat definitions
My cat does not barf hairballs;
he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a "shedding machine;" she is a hair relocation
stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile;" she enjoys
the proximity
of food.
My cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.
My cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic; she has an inability to appreciate
moisture.
My cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot; she is shepherding me to my next destination,
the food dish.
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Cat
Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If I saw it first, it's mine.
3. If it's in my paw, it's mine.
4. If it looks like mine, it's
mine.
5. If I had it a little while
ago, it's mine.
6. If I can take it away from
you, it's mine.
7. If there's more than one, ALL
of them are mine.
8. If you have something and you
put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
9. If it's mine, it must NEVER
appear to be yours in any way.
10. If it's boring or doesn't
taste good, IT'S YOURS!!
Based on "Toddler Property
Laws"
Author Unknown
Revised for cats by Humor S. Cat
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What
cats do for us
Warm our laps...
Give us someone to talk to...
Help reduce high blood pressure...
Create a "kindred" feeling with other cat people...
Turn common household objects into cat toys...
Make us more aware of birds...
Donate their services as alarm clocks...
Display daring acrobatic feats in front of our eyes...
Contribute to living a longer life...
Make a window sill more beautiful...
Keep mice on the run...
Make us smile...
Inspire Poets and Playwrights...
Teach us how to land on our feet...
Let us indulge our desires to spoil someone...
Make our homes warmer...
Remind us that our life is mysterious...
Share with us the all-is-well purring experience...
Instruct us in the luxurious art of stretching...
Show us how to lick our wounds and go on...
Give us cool cartoon characters...
Make even an old warn couch look beautiful...
Open our hearts...
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The
Conniving Cat Caper
The clever calico cat took a calculated
risk when he criss-crossed the carpet and climbed on the kitchen
counter to feast upon cream and cod. Calamity arose as the culprit
catapulted himself toward a container of cream. The kitty cringed
as a coffee cup clanged and clanked and crashed to the floor. Classically
a carnivore, the cat ate the cod clean, then played with the cucumbers,
canned corn, and cabbage. With care he consumed the last crusty
crumb of cocoa cake and left.
Cautiously the composed, cunning cat, calmly cleaned his claws
innocently by the couch in the corner.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen it was conjectured that the criminal
was the culprit caught near the cupboard, casually cavorting by
a kettle of custard.
The cool, keen cat, oh what a cold cad, watched curiously as the
canine was convicted of the crime.
--From the book "516 Sensational
Cat Quotes, Quips and Jokes for Scrapbooking, Crafting and Fun"
by Kathrine Palmer Peterson. To order, call 1-888-349-5220. Some
of the proceeds are used to help needy animals.
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It's
Not a Cat...
It's not a cat. It's...
A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
A wildlife control expert impersonator.
An un-programmable animal.
A four footed allergen.
A hair relocation expert.
A treat-seeking missile.
A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
A small, furry lap fungus.
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When
Kitty Eyes Are Smiling
There's a kitty eye, watching
something dart by
Though he may've seen nothing at all.
Be it game or alive, he wiggles his hind
Then tackles it with his claws.
For a cat roams around like a lion on the prow
And jumps on your shelf with a sprong
So he can meow from great heights and croon through the night
Til it all crashes down, then he's gone.
When kitty eyes are smiling
All the world it is their play
With a leap a cat is soaring
Now your shoe lace is his prey
When kitty hearts are happy
Against your leg, you'll feel them rub
And when kitty eyes are smiling
Sure, you can't help falling in love.
When your sweet kitty's kneeding,
some biscuits and dreaming
His cat motor purrs with delight
Sure, he wakes with sleepy eyes, then the sofa he spies
And scratches his claws on the side.
While you're writing a song, you'll know something is wrong
When he lies on your paper to rest
You will laugh all the while and then you will smile
As he falls asleep on your desk.
When kitty eyes are smiling
All the world it is their play
With a leap a cat is soaring
Now your sporran is his prey
When kitty hearts are happy
Against your leg, you'll feel them rub
And when kitty eyes are smiling
Sure, you can't help falling in love.
Words by Marc Gunn--see Irish
Drinking Songs for Cat Lovers
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